Hintlord Series #1: Hold the cheese, please.

And the sex goes on.

I recently received a request for a blog post on how to do sensitive but cheeseless sex scenes! Which is right up my alley — well, that’s up for debate honestly since I’ve done far more noncon and dubcon but I HAVE had my fair share of CONSENSUAL writing escapades. So there.

Look, as a disclaimer, because people can get fairly butthurt when it comes to sex in media (which is a whole ‘nother blog post, believe me), I have to state that this is just one adorably talented and hilarious woman’s professional and licensed opinion. Write what you want, but don’t be mad when people don’t like it. Because you didn’t listen to me.

The best way I can sum this up is:

Necessity.

The sex has to work as a necessity to character growth and plot. This little nugget of wisdom is predicated on two things:

1. There’s actually a plot in your story.

2. You want the audience to feel the sex wasn’t just shoved in and that this was a natural progression.

One way to accomplish this is to have a plot where sex is a given. If the sexuality of the main character is in line with the plot, let’s say they’re approaching or enduring puberty or a kink discovery, then the audience will come in with an expectation so sex will be less jarring when it appears.

In terms of sensitivity, this also has to follow the line of the plot. The characters’ relationships grow with the chapters, and on a technical level, I personally make sure to dot notes in my workbook about furthering the relationship with dialogue, imagined scenes and actions every chapter so I don’t forget. Because I will if left to my own devices.

You can have consideration and sweetness in a sex scene without filling it with I love you’s or the dreaded phrase making love. A few things I’ve seen people do that really grinds my gears in order to make the relationship seem “sweet” is amp up the cringe factor by having excessive pauses in the action wherein the author spoon-feeds the audience the importance of this occasion. It doesn’t need to be said, it needs to be felt.

Something as simple as the characters talking throughout it and hearkening back to in-jokes or banter they are already aware of will do the trick. Minute details of the body a character notices will also let the reader in on the singularity of the moment, the importance as seen through the character’s eyes. And because you’re a conscientious writer, you already know what the consequences of The Sexing will be. Does this make the relationship better or worse? Or, preferably, both?

Plot points are all dominoes that trigger one another, and sex is no different. If you keep these simple hints in mind, you’ll be wetting panties in no time!

And if you’d like to request a new Hintlord writing post, you can do so on my new Contact page!

The Hole in Your Sex Scene

What the fuck’s wrong with you people?

… Okay, that’s not very nice. But it’s how I feel — and I have a lot of feelings about this hole business. I’m honestly flabbergasted whenever I see it, or maybe that isn’t even a strong enough word. Bamboozled? Is that stronger than flabbergasted? Will the world ever know?

Let’s take a step back. Let’s set the mood.

You’re feeling a little introverted tonight. Your roommates or family or dogs are either away or in another room. You’ve got a hot beverage beside you which works only as a temporary balm for the post-Christmas doldrums that have descended over your hemisphere. It’s cold outside, and dark. You’ve recently dived headfirst into a new fandom and have heard the fanfiction scene is lit, or so your white friend on Instagram says. You head over to AO3 and settle in for a night of steamy sex scenes with little to no plot because who gives a good goddamn, you just wanna imagine two hot guys going at each other like the world’s gonna end. You find a story, scan the first paragraph to make sure they can put a sentence together, and say to yourself: Good enough!

Everything’s coming up roses. The main characters find each other in the woods and are inexplicably horny. They give little consideration before tossing away their heterosexuality like ill-fitting uniforms and start rimming each other on the ground. Then—

It happens.

You see it.

And your once flooded basement shrivels painfully with the sudden lack of moisture.

Jojo slipped his fingers into Dio’s used hole…

Agh, God, why!? Why, Lord? Why would the writer do that? And you know, it’s not a sometimes thing, for people who don’t regularly debauch themselves. I’ve seen it in published novels too. I’ve honestly got no idea about why this is such a phenomena, because it’s universally awful.

And don’t @ me, okay, I’ve never done that shit. Even when I was FOURTEEN, I knew better. Holes are holes are holes, and we’ve all got them on our bodies, but first of all they do have NAMES. You don’t call what you breathe through your nose hole, do you, you degenerate? What about your food hole? Hear holes?! How ridiculous does that sound in normal tone? Now you wanna throw it into something sexy? The hell’s wrong with you?

Sexy is subjective, I get it. I’m the first one to say it. But who honestly thinks of a hole and thinks, Ooh la la?

Big holes.

Gaping holes.

Sinkholes.

It’s all either ridiculous or disgusting. Where did young girls learn this kind of language? Is there no such thing as finishing school anymore? Where are the goddamn debutantes?

It’s an easy enough fix. You literally do not have to say hole. The human imagination and context of a reader is what helps your writing along. We know what you mean when you say:

Jojo slipped his fingers into Dio.

That’s literally all you have to do. Take words out and it instantly becomes better. Readers around the world will be thankful. I’ve had tons of girls compliment my sex scenes because, as filthy as they can be, they don’t require the flicker of an image of a character fucking SPELUNKING.